So no more business school for no-hoper Noorul. The teacher-turned-pupil was expelled by Sir Alan in possibly the worst episode of the Apprentice yet. Before we examine Noorul’s sorry report, let’s get one thing clear about Sugar’s school: Harvard, it ain’t.

The only MBAs on the curriculum here are mindless, braindead activities.

This week’s ‘challenge’ was more reminiscent of an Only Fools and Horses episode (if that’s not an insult to Del Boy – or, come to think of it, horses), as the teams were charged with valuing a collection of bric-a-brac and then selling at a profit.

The bric-a-brac included a bicycle, a signed Frank Lampard picture, a skeleton and a rug – more Cash In The Attic than Antiques Roadshow, fittingly. If wasn’t enough of a nursery school task already, Sir Alan laboured the point this was about ‘valuation’ and nod, nod, wink, wink, there were some ‘hidden gems’.

What ensued really doesn’t warrant analysis on a business website, but here we go: Ben led Empire, foamed from the mouth about big guns and Sandhurst again; didn’t bother with the valuation process before flogging anything he could for whatever he could. Noorul did his best not to get involved, but reluctantly found a buyer for the skeleton worth £150 who ended up paying £60 and was offered £5 to go away by one reluctant commode buyer. Overall they lost £162. 

Ignite, led by ‘big head’s gonna rein it in’ Philip, worried even less about valuation and somehow managed to make a loss of just £34 by flogging the gear door-to-door and to men in pubs who’d ‘always wanted a skeleton’. 

The only other point of note was Lorraine’s dubbing as ‘Cassandra, the girl who’s right but never gets listened to’ by Margaret, because for the second week running she raised valid objections only to be ignored by the group - notably Philip. In this instance she realised the ‘hidden gem’ was the £200 rug, but you can’t help thinking if she felt that strongly she could have just got on with finding out the value regardless what Philip said – after all, it’s what he would have done and tellingly, what Sir Alan would do.

... And so to the boardroom, the weekly bitchfest and Sir Alan’s carefully scripted, yet entertaining putdowns that are increasingly  where you sense the Apprentice’s producers are focused. This series is certainly more Big Brother than big business and eviction focused. At least there’s no Davina.

You sense even Sir Alan might be frustrated with the class of reprobates put in front of him this year: “Anybody with half a brain cell would think let’s sit down and work out what the gems are first, and then put all our efforts into selling them. Why didn’t that happen? Did you understand it? You’re all looking dumb-founded. The bleedin’ skeleton could have done a better job.”

Sir Alan sent winning captain Philip off with another stark ‘must do better’ warning that he’s far from head boy – “your mind seems concrete; thoroughly mixed but completely set in its way” – and put Deborah in detention for talking to Nick like a “second class citizen”, telling her “you might think you’re special luv, but you’re really not”. 

The one-liners rolled as he ticked off Ben and spied easy targets to blame, only to end up insulting poor James – “I hope you’re not thinking there’s a village missing an idiot.” [there is –ed] – and Sir Alan even mocked himself over rug-gate: “It’s a bit like me, not much to look at but worth a lot.”

And so to Noorul, who was bound to go sooner or later. Even the silver-tongued Sir Alan seemed at a loss for words, so he kept it simple and succinctly captured what we’d all been thinking for six weeks.

“NooruI, I don’t know what you’ve been doing here, you’re fired!”

Bulldog founder Simon Duffy gives us the lowdown on last night's episode of The Apprentice.

I thought it was a real flat task, this week. I was disappointed. When you compare it to last week where  the Apprentices had to apply creativity, project manage and show marketing skills to pick out the benefits of a product, this was so simple. They had ten things to value and they had five people to do it. luck.

It was so straightforward, it didn't really make for great watching. The teams were provided with a Yellow Pages and even antiques magazines to help them value the items. I don't think it took a genius to figure out that there's probably two or three things they needed to get right.

Phil was pretty lucky to get to not have come under the radar a bit more. It was luck rather than judgement that led to the skeleton being sold in the pub and the carpet being sold on the road so I think they were relatively lucky.

Lorraine is having a bit of a renaissance. I've seen her in a whole new light following the  revelations in The News of the World at the weekend which are absolutely mind-boggling. In many ways she is now the dark horse.

Sadly, when it came to the boardroom, Ben was turned into a pantomime villain. He says these ridiculous military things. When you watch him in the task he does fine, he's decisive and he was right to tell Debra to stop bitching - it's just in the boardroom where he's out of his depth that he really does himself no favours.

After that task, Noorul probably had it coming. He's tried to carve out a strategy of being very quiet, not doing anything, just staying under the radar, but he got found out. It was a pretty dastardly move when he started to swerve off the task and talk about Ben plotting to go into all these magazines and commercial deals. That felt a bit cowardly.

At the moment, if I was a betting man I would be putting my money on Kate. It's the assertive, confident people who do well in this, and she did so well in the marketing task. She's also charismatic enough that no one will want to take her into the boardroom. I think she's looking very strong.

After a long day in a dark press room at the IoD conference, we've found there’s nothing quite like a breathtaking view to lift the spirits – so Smarta felt very smug when it attended the launch of the National Skills Academy for Retail at the top of Centre Point this evening.

The academy will allow people working in the retail sector to find out more about improving their skills, offering training and career advice, as well as thousands of apprenticeships.

At the launch, Charlie Mayfield, chairman of John Lewis, said the academy was a ‘very important’ development. “There are some fantastic people in retail – it’s a very rich sector,” he said. “But now is the time to be investing in skills because we’re at such a challenging time for the country.

Minister for skills and apprenticeships Lord Young added that in retail, ‘skills are absolutely at the heart’ of the industry. “We’re creating real and genuine career opportunities for young people, and that should be applauded.” 

Ryman owner, Dragons’ Den investor and recently appointed patron of the Retail Skills Council Theo Paphitis also attended the event and told the audience he felt he has had a ‘wonderful opportunity’ to work in retail.

“I keep telling my mum I’m a shopkeeper, and she hates it – but I love being a shopkeeper,” he said. “On my first day in a shop I knew this was the career for me. It was the first time I had ever been trained to know more than the guy I was talking to.

“Shopkeeping taught me everything I needed to know about business. If you catch anyone saying retail is just shelf stacking, spank them one from me.”

“Get rid of negative people, they kill ideas. Kill negative people. Those people that say 'you can’t do this' and 'you can’t do that'. Kill those fuckers.”

Don’t you just love Tim Smit, founder of The Eden Project? Tim’s often the wildcard speaker at business events, free-thinking farmer vs ‘cash is king’ capitalists is the usual juxtaposition.

And so it was today at the IoD convention when he followed hot on the heels of chancellor Alistair Darling, who ironically was spinning his own rose-tinted view of the economy. Unsurprisingly, Smit’s view was rather better received.

For a start, in his own words, he’s not very ‘political’– and he’s got similar distain for doom and gloom. Indeed he’s not down about it at all, instead he sees it as a healthy ‘grooming process that was needed’ in order to force business into a new way of thinking and bring through new business models’.

“I don’t believe all the rubbish the Daily Mail tells us about the past being a better place. Try going to the dentist in Victorian Britain and all of a sudden now seems a lot better. The future isn’t scary, it’s bloody exciting. The next 20 years are really exciting.

According to Smit, business leaders shouldn’t become risk-averse in the current climate, they should embrace risk.

“If you haven’t failed you haven’t tried very hard. Has anyone here never failed? [A fair few hands shoot up] Great, you bunch of LOSERS!”

Look out for our full video interview to hear Tim’s views on landing public sector funding, negotiation, motivating staff and leadership.

Smarta has to confess it has a bit of a crush on Marks and Spencer chief Sir Stuart Rose - but not just for his youthful good looks.

Rose's tendency to be blunt has got him into hot water several times, but we were particularly impressed by his lines today. "If Marks and Spencer hadn't already been invented, you probably wouldn't invent it now," he told IoD director general Miles Templeman during a discussion at the organisation's annual conference today.

"The trouble is, everyone who comes to Marks and Spencer wants different things. You can be short, tall, fat, thin, black, white, Jew, Muslim, Christian – everyone comes in, and everyone wants us to do for them what they want."

Hmm... it may be that Rose has just had his Gerald Ratner moment, but we could sense a certain tongue-in-cheek sense of humour when he said: "In TopShop everyone is of a certain physique," to laughter from the audience.

He added: "I'm just saying - that probably makes it easier."

The Conservatives are better placed than the Labour Party to help the economy out of recession, Luke Johnson, chief executive of Channel Four, has told Smarta.

Johnson gave a speech to today’s IOD convention condemning last week’s Budget, then told Smarta exclusively that he’s ‘encouraged the Tories have people like (shadow media minister) Jeremy Hunt who have owned and run businesses and understand what it’s like to risk their own capital’.
 
“Apart from anything else, [the Conservatives] have had experience of management, which few politicians have,” the former Pizza Express CEO continued.
 
“They also understand the stresses and strains of being an employer in the modern world.”
 
We’ll have a full video interview with Luke on Friday and keep checking Smarta for more on today’s IoD conference.
 

Chancellor Alistair Darling today remained resolute in his confidence for economic recovery among a despondent audience at the Institute of Directors (IoD) convention, defending his widely-mocked Budget forecasts and the 50% increase in income tax for top earners.

Darling had perhaps been bouyed by the blazing morning sunshine outside the Royal Albert Hall that greeted some of the UK's top business leaders, insisting any negativity around the economy should be tempered by optimism for the future.

“I’m seeing extraordinary resilience and determination. When you consider world trade has gone down by over half in the last few months and Germany has seen its industrial production down by 20%, it really brings home the scale of what is happening.

“We’ve seen unemployment go up and yet it’s worth bearing in mind the majority of people who lose their jobs get back into work in a few weeks. There are underlying strengths we will need to build upon.

“We’ve got to understand before we can cure the problem, what the cause was.”

When it came to the cause, Darling was quick to remove blame from the government and lay it firmly at door of the banks.

“The banks overstretched themselves and they overstretched in many countries as well. That’s why we and other countries had to intervene to ensure we had the banking system back and functioning. Without an effective banking system there cannot be an effective economy – if you don’t fix the banking system, you can’t fix the economy.

He went as far as claiming the banking collapse was a situation the government couldn’t have foreseen:

“If, 12 months ago I had stood here and told you we would own four banks, people would think, surely not.

Shifting focus back to recovery, Darling underlined his belief that last week’s Budget was a positive one for business. A bold move among clear doubters:

“I wanted to help people get through this difficult time, I wanted to ensure that we helped businesses. That’s why we introduced the time to pay scheme which has helped 100,000 businesses.

“The second part of what I wanted to do is important as well... the consequence of this downturn is very obvious. If banks aren’t making profits, it has an adverse consequence of what happens in terms of revenue.

Pre-empting expected questioning of the 50% income tax hike, Darling outlined the message that Britain must ‘live within its means’ – and that meant not just cuts in public spending but also tax rises. Something he was resolutely unapologetic about:

“No chancellor wants to raise tax if they can avoid it... but at times like this it’s necessary. Sometimes you do have to make difficult decisions. We needed to send a clear message out to the country. We need to be able to raise revenue from taxes. It’s not unreasonable to see people who have seen big increases in incomes over the past few years to shoulder some of the blame. I can’t see how it’s logical not to expect that.”

Darling also defended his forecast figures, insisting they were realistic and justified.

“Forecasting is incredibly difficult... but where I think there are grounds for more confidence is the £20m we’ve put into economy, interest rates remain low, the extra funding the Bank of England has put in, the investment from other countries, it makes me believe we do have a good future.
 
“I have a vision of a strong prosperous country  – a strong, prosperous, successful country where Britain remains a strong place to do business.”

And there we go. We’re on the road to recovery. We’re not sure the IoD crowd were that convinced – are you?
 

British Airways is giving away 5,000 free business-class flights and Avis is offering 1,500 free car rentals abroad to small businesses, to help them with their struggle against the recession.

The scheme is open to businesses with less than 250 employees who are relatively new to exporting or who are looking to expand overseas into new markets with the help of UK Trade & Investment (UKTI), who are pushing the initiative along with the Daily Mail.

“With domestic consumer markets down and trade down in the UK it's important to search for new markets,” said Stephen Alambritis of the Federation of Small Businesses. “One of the biggest costs for small businesses trying to do that is the flights, so of course this will help.”

Richard Lambert, director-general of the CBI, said, “Firms supporting one another through the recession is a great thing to see. Trade is going to be a key driver of the UK's economic recovery and the relative weakness of sterling is making UK made goods increasingly attractive to overseas markets.”

UKTI will distribute 4,000 of the return flights and American Business (BAB) the remaining 1,000. BAB will be offering flights primarily to the US to existing members.

• You can apply to the UKTI here and to BAB by emailing

The National Business Awards is now open for entries, and there are a couple of entry categories that may be well worth a look for you lovely Smarta readers.

The Small to Medium Sized Business of the Year Award is open to any business with annual turnover of less than £10m, and goes to the company “that best demonstrates significant growth and innovation in its market sector, under-pinned by strong financial performance.”

There’s also the Health Work & Wellbeing Award for Small Business, for a business with less than 250 employees that can prove it has best improved their wellbeing. Free fruit in the office probably ain’t quite enough to cut it, but if you’ve gone further than that to promote healthy lifestyle choices and support people with health conditions, go for it.

For the more ambitious and financially aggressive of you, there’s the Entrepreneur of the Year Award, which measures innovation, exploiting a market gap and sales and profit.

There are also awards for technology  and innovation, as well as a fair few awards for larger companies.

The website explains the following benefits of scooping one of the prestigious awards in November, and even what can be gained just from applying. Which, of course, are all the pros of applying to any relevant awards, and explain why it’s such a worthwhile thing to do if you have time and confidence in your chances at success:

“1. Reflect on your success
Often in the busy environment of everyday business, achievements can be easily forgotten. Completing the entry form allows you to pause and consider what contributed to your success and where you can go from here.

2. Measure your performance
A benchmarking report (included in your registration fee), will assess the strength of your entry against others in your category. Unlike industry specific Awards you will be able to gauge how your business compares against the very best in all UK industries.

3. Positive PR
Being selected as a winner or finalist is a great achievement and a real opportunity to generate positive publicity for your business across all media.

4. Differentiate your business
What better way to make your business stand out than being a national Award winner in the UK’s most prestigious, cross-industry Awards programme? Demonstrate to your current and future customers, employees and competitors that yours is an exceptional business.

5. Celebrate your achievements
A representative of all short listed finalists is invited to attend the Award Ceremony and Dinner free of charge and you will have priority on table bookings for the night. A fantastic event and opportunity to meet people from other successful businesses.”

To find out more about entering business awards competitions and what other big ones are on offer,check out Emma Jones’s column here.

The deadline for the 2009 National Business Awards’ is July 23, and you can find out how to enter here.
 

How do you keep your customers smiling through the credit crunch? Give them doughnuts, obviously.

Our lovely landlord, Smarta partner and flexible serviced office provider Business Environment (BE) has decided, amazingly, to hand out more than 7,000 doughnuts per week to cheer its clients up. That, apparently, means two jammy delights per person every Friday!

What a great way to get your customers smiling and to remind them of your presence. We didn’t mind at all that BE dropped off a press release with the doughnuts – hell, we blogged on it.

Sometimes, if you can afford to, it really is worth treating your customers – free gifts that people actually want (food is always a good ‘un) buy loyalty, goodwill and make very delicious good business sense.

Thanks BE!