The Apprentice - epsiode four, reviewed

We didn’t think it could get any more painstakingly, embarrassingly, groan-emittingly awful. But it did.

This week, the retards, sorry, Apprentice-wannabes were set the task of creating two natural bodycare products and selling them to the good but dismally unsuspecting people of London.

Paula and Noorul were appointed team leaders by Sir Alan after a bit of switching the teams around.

Noorul, apparently, is a chemist. Ironically, he 100% lacks even a trace of chemistry. Ne’er has a man so boring, so uncharismatic and so utterly useless at his job graced the screens of our nation.

Inexplicably, he also talks like he has an egg constantly slipping down his throat.

Leading his (annoying but admittedly less clueless) teammates, Noorul failed to make decision after decision after decision, deliberating on everything from how much honey was needed for their product to how much they should sell products for.

Even when his exasperated team were standing on the corner of Camden Loch - for some ridiculously mal-informed reason wearing terrifying beekeepers suits that made them look like nuclear power plant workers on a killing spree - telling him that no one was around and there was no way they could sell the products at current prices, he still insisted on making them wait ‘til he got there to make a decision.

Oh Noorul, Noorul, Noorul. We feel you’re not long for this world (the telly one, not the real one, obv).

Paula, on the other hand, seemed to be an all round good egg.

She was chirpy, motivating her team like a jolly water aerobics teacher, she developed the whole product, designed it, organised the sales, inspired them, sold it, created it, did it, SHE DID IT ALL.

And yet – alas. On the basis of one fatal flaw she was the one that got the chop at the end of it all. Poring over the essential oils with the evil-faced and downright weasly Yasmina, the ladies mistook sandalwood for cedarwood and cedarwood for sandalwood and – oh – in the sheer heady giggle essential-oil infused ebullience of it all accidentally picked the £1299/kg sandalwood when they meant to use the slightly more cost-friendly £26/kg cederwood.

Which Nick tactfully pointed out later had made a difference of about £700 before saying in his oh-so-perfect way, “I think I’ll leave you to it now.”

Wonderful TV.

Anyway, the upshot was that although Paula’s team was better than Noorul’s in every other way, sold buckets more and was just, well, better, it ended up as Paula, Yasmina and Ben in the boardroom.

Ben’s a little rat, not taking responsibility for anything except things Sir Alan liked that he didn’t actually do, but sadly Paula (not to blame her, really) turned on him rather than Yasmina when it came to costing blame. In fairness, she had appointed both Ben and Yasmina to take care of costing, but in the case wethinks she let her annoyance at Ben get the better of her.

Cunning-as-an-skewiffed-eyebrowed-fox Yasmina wasn’t so foolish, piled the blame on Paula, and poor, lovely, hard-working Paula got fired.

Which was quite a shame.

Hopefully Sir Alan will get rid of Ben next time.

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