Apprentice 2011: They're all crackers

Helen seems to live a charmed life. Perhaps she visited a gypsy before the show kicked off and bartered her soul for success on The Apprentice? Everything she touches turns to gold; even when it really, really shouldn't.

Oh, how I howled at the screen when a great idea for 'after school treats' became 'after school treats for any time'. It made no sense. My televisual companions too were adamant: She's going down this week. What a numpty.

But there's only one thing that can out-numpty a numpty, and that's an even bigger numpty. Or trio of numpties.

Inventor Tom was in his element, churning out hare-brained ideas. But that's the problem with unfocussed creativity: you end up with a total hodge podge (not a bad name for a biscuit, that). From an inspired 'snap and share' concept, Zoe's team ended up with a kind of schadenfreude biscuit: Ha, you've got the crap half while I have the chocolate-covered delight.

There were just too many cookie-ups to count. Tom didn't realise that their product was supposed to be premium despite a £1.99 price-tag. Zoe alienated Melody from the start with chronically unprofessional favouritism: "I'm not being funny, but I'm more comfortable working with Susie". You're not being funny, you're being a cow.

She also took on a branding role instead of heading to the factory to create their biscuit. Her words: "A good product sells itself; that's our focus" were hollow. The final biscuit was cheap and ghastly: the kind of biscuit you'd share with your enemy.

Melody decided to use role-play in their pitch to buyers from the major supermarkets. The reaction was pure TV gold. Hilarious.

Overall, Susan Ma aside, the whole team gave a piss-poor performance and were worthy losers this week.

Helen managed to pull her team together, gave strong direction and remained unflappable throughout. Her pitch to the Waitrose buyers was a low point, however. "Yeah, we know what's good for us. That's why these biscuits are a treat," was her response to concerns over the sugar content of her 'children's snacks'.

In the boardroom, the catfight between Melody and Zoe was worthy of Albert Square. Perhaps that's why the east-end Lord looked so amused. But in the end Zoe, face-pulling, side-taking, gut-ignoring Zoe, was sent away in disgrace.

That's just the way the cookie crumbles on The Apprentice.

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